My Life in Stockings

The Debut

The girls’ dress code in my 1960s grade school consisted of a skirt or jumper, sturdy Oxford shoes and bobby sox or knee socks in the winter.  Stockings were not permitted.  Bare legs were allowed, but not a completely covered leg; at least a bare kneecap was required.  Perhaps the rationale was that stockings could draw curious eyes beyond the hem of the skirt and distract classmates from the serious business of education. Tights were eventually allowed, but not sheer stockings.

Dancing school started in sixth grade.  Boys wore coats and ties, girls wore little white gloves and a dress, something more formal than the shirt, skirt, and oxfords of the school outfit.  That left legwear up for grabs.  At the onset we all showed up with a classier version of bobby socks, perhaps with a demur bow or a ruffle flourish, but as the fall progressed classmates started to show up in sheer stockings and “party” shoes, defined as something other than sneakers or oxfords.

In the context of an innocent sixth grader, stockings became an explicit public display of emerging sexuality.  The onset of menstruation was a private matter.  The first bra did not come with same public announcement.  Stockings signaled that girls/young ladies might be receptive to an offer to dance, a passed note in class, or under the right circumstances an invitation to a game of Spin the Bottle.   As I climbed the stairs to the musty dancing school gymnasium, I could check out the legs ahead of me and see who had crossed that line.

My mother never discussed menstruation with me, which she called “the curse” as she handed me a box of Kotex.  I was on my own bra-wise.  However, when I told her that classmates were now wearing stockings, she took me to the local department store to pick out my first pair.  She didn’t want me to fall behind.

The saleslady showed us different colors – taupe, nude, ecru.  I draped a pair over my hand and held them up to the light to appreciate their shimmer and the shape outlining a stylish calf and foot.  A garter belt was only a utilitarian accessory, but its lacy floral design added to the allure.   The saleslady wrapped them up in tissue paper and put them in a flat square box.  Over the next few days, I would peek into the box, lift the tissue paper, and touch their nylon smoothness, awaiting my public announcement.

Pantyhose

Stockings with a garter belt were soon eclipsed by the unsophisticated pantyhose.  A dedicated trip to the hushed surroundings of the department store was replaced by a routine purchase at the grocery store, tossing random packages into the cart along with the cookie dough and dog food.  The popular brand L’Eggs wadded their pantyhose into an egg-shaped container.  There was no shimmer, no shape, only a wrinkled, characterless mass that looked a deformed fetal version of the real thing.

In my high school boarding school, the dress code still mandated skirts, but leg coverings were at the discretion of the student.  Bobby sox were out – we had all crossed the line at that point – but pantyhose were unbreathable and hot.  I missed the ventilation provided by the garter belt.  At days’ end, the best word to describe the suffocating pantyhose environment was “pooky,”  an ideal culture medium for yeast.  The winter work-around was knee-high boots.

As skirts became shorter and shorter, the expanse of unprotected thighs exposed to the winter winds increased.  The school allowed one concession, permission to wear pants if the thermometer dipped below 20 degrees.

Stockings thrilled me, but pantyhose awakened me to the double standard of the dress code.

Knee Highs

In the 1980s I entered the quasi professional world of my pathology residency, a job requiring a plastic apron, gloves, and a mask to protect me from spraying body fluids as I performed autopsies and processed body parts removed at surgery.  Though pants were allowed, I often wore a skirt to look more professional.  Even though my legs would be rarely visible under a desk or behind the autopsy counter, I felt bare legs would devalue the look.  The job won out over any feminist statement.

Fortunately, skirt lengths had dropped down from mid-thigh to rest just below the knee.  Knee highs were now a possibility, but only if they nestled in the crook behind the knee.  This was an unrealistic stretch goal.  I remember bending over to hike up the socks every few steps as I walked down the hall.  I began to recognize particular brands with more spunk, but gradually transitioned to wearing pants exclusively.  Weddings and formal events were a challenge, but as the decades wore on, skirt lengths dropped even further so that even saggy knee highs were adequate.

Current Day

The internet reports that sales of pantyhose have sagged over the past two decades, a result of changing dress codes and women who rise up and say, “Time to release the hostages.  These damned pantyhose are giving me queefy BO.”

Michelle Obama is among them.  The internet is full of pictures of her bare legs.  On the women’s talk show The View, Michelle revealed that she gave up pantyhose years ago because they were “painful.”

Others consider pantyhose “make-up for the legs,” a necessity for women who don’t have Obama’s toned legs or who cannot maintain a daily shaving habit.  I’ve never worn make-up and I rejected the woman’s dress code years ago, grateful I had a job that allowed me to do so without making a confrontational stink.  However, I still retain a whisper of vanity.  Age has taken its toll. Spider veins, various other dings and irregularities are not features I choose to display.  My legs have not seen the light of day for years.

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Hard Boiling It

Forty five years ago a friend introduced me to the crime fiction author, Ross MacDonald and his detective Lew Archer, a descendant of the hard-boiled detectives Sam Spade (Dashiell Hammett) and Phillip Marlowe (Raymond Chandler)   I devoured the series, reveling not so much in the plot lines – the type of seamy family dysfunction where you could marry your sister without realizing it – but rather Lew as a combination of PI, psychologist and philosopher punctuating the plot with cynical but insightful quips.  Sue Grafton’s alphabet murders (A is for Alimony, B is for Burglary) falls into the same category with the twist of Kinsey Millhone as a female detective working in a man’s world.

My original strategy for this pandemic summer was to work my way through David Foster Wallace’s 1,000 page acclaimed novel, Infinite Jest.  I crapped out by page 238, unable to digest his dense prose where a discernible plot was only an occasional flourish.  I felt like the book condemned me to eat a sumptuous meal encompassing all senses, where the waitstaff was equipped with a pair of tweezers to artfully rearrange three pea tendrils atop three (potentially toxic) foraged mushrooms.  One such meal can be appreciated, but not a steady forced diet.  Couldn’t do it.

A return to the hard-boiled detective novel was my work-around.  Ten years ago, I wrote my own crime fiction novel, featuring Liza Blue as the detective dispensing quotable quips as she works her way through a case.  The plot oozes with family dysfunction, peaking when Liza nails the identity of the young women, figuring out whether she is the client’s step-daughter, niece or grand-daughter.  The novel has idled in my desk drawer ever since.  Time to dust it off.  How would the wit and wisdom of Liza Blue match up against Spade, Marlowe and Millhone?  Continue reading

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Pandemic Ponderings: Heinous Division

“In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.”

For over 20 years the word “heinous” has been hammered into the American vocabulary via the opening lines of Law and Order: SVU.  Originally obscure, this word can now be heard any day of the week, multiple times a day if you dip into ubiquitous SVU marathons.  Heinous is now so commonplace that it has infiltrated the active vocabulary of millennials, who might say, “That dress my mother wants me to wear is, like, so heinous.”  The SAT has dropped heinous from its menu of challenging words.

The dictionary provides the following synonyms:  hateful, odious, abominable, reprehensible, atrocious, villainous, nefarious, infamous, flagrant, and flagitious (which the dictionary defines as heinous).  In an effort to steer clear of any “me too” offense, Vocabulary.com provides “clubbing of baby seals” as an example of heinous behavior.

Among the synonyms, heinous is the best descriptor of sexually-based offenses.  Nefarious implies cold and calculating, which eliminates the spontaneity of hormonally-fueled offenses.  Flagrant implies obvious, so does not capture the dark nature of the crime. (Jaywalking can be flagrant.)  The onomatopoeia of heinous is an attractive attribute.  The announcer’s somber tone implies something evil and dark.  Viewers must know that heinous cannot mean sunshine and light.  If you casually drop the “h” you are left with an allusion to a dark, dank, and forbidden piece of anatomy, a place where the sun don’t ever shine.

After twenty years, SVU has showcased every depravity multiple times.  The  writers struggle to find new plot lines.  Perhaps rethinking the story’s intro will provide a fresh jolt of creative energy.  Below are options from other writers.  These are their stories.

Cat in the Hat

There is Thing One and Thing Two that make something heinous

Trafficking of children and crimes against gayness

Oh dear, what a shame, what a shame

That such things happen that have such a name.

When a mess is too big and so deep and so tall.

We cannot fix it.  There’s no way at all.

But the man on the corner, he’s wears a blue hat

He’ll do the job, so thank him for that.

King James Bible

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither pedophiles, forceful fornicators, nor peddlers of flesh.  Yea all are especially heinous unto him.

The Lord calleth them to kneel before an esteemed tribunal and they shall be judged.

The Lord also decrees that a man may now lieth with a man and woman with woman, and women may wear what pertaineth to a man, and a man may put on a woman’s garment.  These are no longer abominations and whosoever says so has committed a heinous act and will be judged.  So sayeth the Lord.

Ernest Hemingway

Man’s behavior is a moveable feast of good and bad.  Moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.  That old fisherman made one mistake, and he felt bad, but it was a heinous mistake, so they took him to the big house.

Paul McCartney

Yesterday, all my troubles were far back in time

Now I’m a victim of a heinous crime.

Oh I wish it’s still yesterday.

 

Suddenly, I need a man from a special squad

To get a fingerprint or a DNA swab

Oh, yesterday come back to me.

Donald Trump

There are bad apples everywhere, but mostly from Mexico.  I don’t really know, it’s just what I’ve been hearing, that M-16 gang out there on Long Island is especially heinous.  That’s a word from that cop show Law and Order, so you all know what I’m talking about.  I know lots of cops.  They are very, very good people.  I used to say Make America Great Again, but then I became president so now I say “I Made America Great.”  Get that, I went from make to made, so that’s a success.  A really very big deal.  The police, who are really very dedicated people, they work for me to keep great what I made great in the first place.

David Foster Wallace[1]

When I binged all 248 episodes of SVU, I perseverated on the grammatical errors in the introduction.  The announcer says “especially heinous,” but heinous is already at the far end of the spectrum of behavior.  There can be nothing worse than heinous, so to say something is “especially heinous” is meaningless.[2]

The intro switches from “especially heinous” crimes to “vicious felonies.”  This is repetitious.  Are there heinous felonies that are not vicious?[3]

Remember that the SVU introduction is ad copy, not great literature.  The copy writer is not playing to the lively mind, but to the spittled doper whose feebly firing synapses require repetition.  I’ve been that slacker on the couch.  Don’t change a word.

[1] From the Editor:  This pandemic summer seemed like the perfect opportunity to tackle DFW’s 1,000-page acclaimed novel, Infinite Jest.  The novel features extensive digressions at the slightest provocation and over 200 pages of footnotes that could themselves be considered a novel.  Infinite Jest is not a “beach read,” its title poking fun at determined readers, such as me, who have stalled out on page 238 but still display the book on the coffee table.  DFW was a fanatic about grammar and described the correct usage of the words “nauseous” (causing nausea) and “nauseated,” (feeling nausea).
[2] From DFW:  “Especially” is a category of adverb known as an “intensifier,” a word that amps up the companion adjective or verb. Writers who use adverbs are too lazy to find the better noun, adjective or verb.  Gratuitous intensifiers include “very” or “really.”  “A really very big deal” is bad English.  You can delete “really,” “very” and “big” and say, “It was a blockbuster.”  Or if you are both a pathologic and pathogenic egomaniac, go ahead and use the all-purpose f-word intensifier, “I am fucking great.”

I don’t tolerate “very” and “really” in my writing. Or in conversation.  However, “exquisitely” has emerged as my go-to verbal tic intensifier. It is mostly used in a positive sense, but I like to pair it with a negative word, such as “exquisitely ugly.”  A word check of my writing reveals references to exquisite hygiene, exquisite ass, exquisitely-designed sphincter and exquisitely painful.  I first encountered the latter description in a medical journal and liked the juxtaposition.  Yes, the sado-masochist might thrill to exquisite pain, but I see another meaning  – intense pain that has some redeeming value.  I asked the Moms if she had experienced exquisite pain and she told me about the first time she breast fed me – that wincing, close-your eyes, hold-your-breath, suck-it-up, slap the arm chair pain, a pain like a pair of pliers twisting a tender nipple, but in the end worthwhile.
[3] From the editor: DFW goes on an extensive riff about the etymology of various sexual offensives.  He seems particularly entranced with the mythological origins of the words “succubus” and “incubus”, i.e. men who violate dead women and women who violate dead men, respectively.  He contends that succubus and incubus are only heinous crimes if the perpetrator has killed the victim.  If not, the act is a crime of opportunity, only a misdemeanor, not a vicious felony.  The discussion then veers to a detailed anatomic description of the exquisitely choreographed facial and tongue musculature to pronounce succubus, describing the word as sibilant and susurrus with a great mouth feel.

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Pandemic Ponderings: Sports Edition

The visceral up-chuck I experience at the sound of Trump’s voice, or the imitation of his voice, makes me a dangerous driver.  Therefore, I generally listen to sports radio in the car, as it is reliably a no-Trump station.  As we headed into the pandemic shutdowns., I wondered how sports talk shows would fill the vast emptiness

A key attribute of radio talk show hosts is their ability to turn the tiniest nugget into an entire afternoon debate.  However, by April I could tell they were struggling.  On one errand, they discussed their favorite color of mustard and how to perfect a hamburger flip.  On another trip, they nattered on about the implications of a wink – when it was sexual come-on versus an innocent tease.

These beleaguered talk show hosts need something meatier to discuss.  I’d also  like to contribute to the pandemic-induced clamor for change.  Here are my ideas for revamping each of our major sports.

Basketball

I will admit I don’t understand basketball.  In the absence of Michael Jordan’s highlight reel, to me it looks like a group of freakishly tall and sweaty men milling around.  However, I do notice, with dismay, that players routinely foul each other on purpose.  Is there any other sport where breaking the rules is considered a routine strategy?

I grew up in the 1960’s when women’s sports were essentially non-competitive.  Breaking the rules was considered the epitome of poor sportsmanship.  Yes, I see that a foul could be necessary to stop a breakaway in soccer or hockey, but then you’d have to accept the risk of a penalty shot.  A penalty should be a deterrent for further bad behavior.  Allowing your opponent to shoot a free throw does not rise to that level.

The end of a basketball game is not the frantic flurry I would prefer, but a drawn-out ordeal cluttered with time outs, intentional fouls and free throws.  Five minutes on the clock can take twenty to play.  As I said, I don’t understand basketball, but I’m grateful that someone named Elam does and has proposed a clever rule to eliminate intentional fouls in the fourth quarter.  At the four-minute mark, the game clock is stopped.  In its place there is a designated “target” score determined by adding a few points – maybe seven points or so – to the score of the leading team.  The first team to reach the target score wins, regardless of how much, or little, time it takes.   The trailing team must play tight defense as the target is approached; they cannot afford to commit intentional fouls.   The Elam Ending was used at this year’s all-star game and was well received.

Baseball

Unlike basketball, I know baseball – witness my knowledge of its arcane rules like dropped  third strike and infield fly.  Baseball was a major part of my life, both as a spectator and participant, but my enthusiasm has waned as the game has slowed down.  Now baseball only occasionally serves as a backdrop to a long nap,  the kind of nap where you have to brush your teeth when you wake up.  As a former fan, I feel qualified to offer suggestions.

Recently, baseball announced some rule changes for the shortened 2020 season, most notably that any extra inning would start with a player on second base.  This might pep up the finale of an otherwise boring game, but what about the other nine innings?  I need something to keep me awake for the entire game.

In all other sports, the defense and offence are closely tied.  In football, a strong defensive stand requires the offense to dig out of a dicey field position.  In hockey and basketball, the transition between defense and offence can swing from a seamless triumph to a punitive tragedy in a matter of seconds.  In baseball, offence and defense are entirely separate.  A bad defense doesn’t handicap the offense.  I contend that the team on the field should be rewarded if they hold their opponents to three batters.  When they come up to bat, I propose that the batter due up automatically go to first base.

What a bonus if the next batter up is the feeblest hitter (e.g. the pitcher in the National League), what a mixed blessing if the batter is the home run hitter!   A taut double play would be a necessity.  The pitcher would have to be able to hold the runner at first and pitching from the stretch also would diminish the oomph on his delivery.  Perhaps the team at bat could defer their reward to a different inning, a move requiring exquisite strategy.   The announcers would have endless palaver to fill the dead air of baseball.  I’d be honored if they referred to this innovation as the “Blue Bonus.”

By the way, in the past I have proposed that just for variety, bases should be run in the opposite direction.  However, this idea is too radical even for this pandemic season of change.

 

Football

The only way to watch a football game is join a recorded game about one hour in, click through the ads, catch up and watch the final minutes as a live event.  My new clicker is my biggest complaint about football.  The old clicker had a 30 second fast forward button, which is the exact time allowed for the huddle.  As soon as the play was over, I could advance 30 seconds to precisely arrive at the beginning of the next play.  My new clicker advances five minutes, requiring me to manually inch ahead.  As I write this, I am embarrassed by my demands for convenience.

My understanding of football is woefully incomplete, but still better than basketball.  Despite listening to hours of commentary, I have never “picked up a blitz,” and don’t know what a “dime” or “nickel package” is.  I find it confusing that a tackle is an offensive position, but these players aren’t allowed to tackle anyone, they can only block oncoming opponents.  And then there is the full back, who doesn’t play all the way back at all.  He plays in front of the half back, so their names are reversed.  These gaps in my understanding don’t matter.  It is a beautiful thing to watch an arcing pass fall into the outstretched fingertips of a streaking runner.

Soccer

The rest of the world probably thinks Americans are ignorant about the elegance of a one-nil final score, but scoring has got to pick up. if the world wants our powerhouse economy to go all-in on soccer.  Kicking the ball out of bounds on purpose slows the game down and seems like a chicken-shit move.  Soccer should take a page from basketball.  Allow the team to intentionally kick the ball out of bounds maybe four times, but after that the opponents are awarded a free kick instead of a throw-in.  The hair-trigger for offsides within the box is a major deterrent to scoring.  Soccer could also take a page from the hockey blue line and eliminate off-sides within the box.   At least they should think about it.

Ice Hockey

My pandemic pondering leads me to conclude that ice hockey is the perfect game.  It’s simple, creative, continuous, fast-moving and unencumbered by arcane rules.  The offence and defense are intimately twined.  Penalties are impactful.   All sports should aspire to its grace and splendor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lists: Words to Live By

1.  Think Before You Stink

—- 6th grade teacher

The devastating consequences of this grade school adage only became apparent in my professional life.  I was working against a deadline for an article on PET scans, a new and controversial medical technology at the time.  I wanted to get reaction comments from the PET Society of America, in fact I felt that I was doing them a tremendous favor in giving them this opportunity to be quoted in the American Medical Association newspaper.  My increasingly strident calls to the Society went unanswered.  Finally a woman called, who said she was calling on behalf of her husband, the executive director of the Society.  I lit into her, saying that the deadline had passed and that the Society had lost its golden opportunity.  Silence followed my tirade, during which I presumed the woman was strategizing on how to beg for forgiveness.  She apologized that her husband had not responded promptly.    He had just died in a car crash.

Several months later I met a stone craftsman at a spring art fair and commissioned him to engrave a table with a map of the Great Lakes.  It was a Christmas gift for my parents, so I told him there was no rush  I started calling him in the fall with gentle reminders, but he kept putting me off.  Finally he told me I could pick it up on December 24th.  My mind stewed and frothed as I fought my way through the punitive holiday traffic.  I burst into his studio, ready to be at least crabby, if not pissy.  However, chastened by my recent experience, I held off and was nothing but cheerful sunshine and light.  He apologized for the delay, explaining that he’d been working on a headstone for his mother.  His young nephew was unaware that his grandmother had a severe peanut allergy and inadvertently gave her a lethal cookie.  She died in front of the family.

Now I try to remember how little time it takes to be thoughtful and kind.  It takes even less time to be careless and cruel.

2.  It is better to be stupid than look stupid

—– First Boss

I was occasionally asked to be a spokesperson for the American Medical Association.  My expertise was very thin, related to the niche field of technology assessment, but the audience assumed I was fair game for anything related to the AMA, ranging from tort reform to physician reimbursement.  Eager to please, I always tried to answer questions, even if I didn’t know what I was talking about.

I got what my boss was saying – understand when you’re out of your depth and then shut up.  However, it does insight to recognize this critical juncture.  I rephrased his advice to “Be smart enough not to look stupid.”

I also realized that looking smart requires timing.  Residency in medical school was a competitive environment with students strutting their stuff by citing detailed data from recently published studies.  I couldn’t compete with that.  I learned to say nothing, let them spout off, and then stepped forward at the end with a concluding or summary statement, leveraging what they said to my advantage.  Worked like a charm.

I am reminded of this strategy with my recent spate of bridge playing.  When you play a no-trump hand the best strategy is to lay in the weeds, let the others flash their face cards, and then come on strong at the end.  With the ace and king out of the way, my lesser cards emerge as winners.  With a flourish, I can make my contract with the lowly two of clubs.  Impressive and satisfying.

3.  Sweaty Spaghetti

—-Collection of Fan Brown’s Hinky Pinkies

At sleep-away summer camp, my mother sent me her word game poems called “Hinky Pinkies,” consisting of two rhyming words with a definition.   The number of syllables in each word mirrored the number of syllables in hink and pink.  For example, a “hink pink” for “casual 5K” could be a “fun run,” or a hinky pinky for “improved cardigan” would be a “better sweater.”

She wrote, “What is a hinky pinkety for perspiring noodles?”

She loved her unexpected and creative rhymes, matched only by her definition.  My mother introduced me to the joy of word play and even more granular, the joy of letters.  Like her, I always have a rhyming dictionary at hand.  From hinky pinkies came a love of crosswords and other word games like Boggle and anagrams.

When I go on vacation, I always bring a bag of letter tiles.

4.  “Diarrhea is a bowel movement that assumes the shape of its container.”

— Diarrhea, Disease-a-Month

In my second year of medical school, I subscribed to a little periodical called “Disease-a-Month,” basically a Cliff Notes for the aspiring doctor.  Each month the bright yellow pamphlet would provide a summary of the most salient facts about a particular ailment: diabetes, asthma, hypertension, etc.  I was pleased to delve into the nitty gritty of the humble and humiliating “Diarrhea.”

I was hooked by the introductory chapter that discussed the challenges of creating a universally accepted definition.  Now many probably think that diarrhea is similar to pornography – while it might be difficult to define, you certainly know it when you see it.  But nothing says “science” more than a conference of bigwigs for the express purpose of reaching a consensus definition.

Here is their offering:

“Diarrhea is a bowel movement that assumes the shape of its container.”

I delighted in the simple elegance of this definition.  It doesn’t matter if the container is a square, rhombus, or a curlicue, if the bowel movement fills it, it has to be diarrhea.  Oddly enough, I endorse this definition based on a summer laboratory job that involved sorting through stool samples to identify parasites.  Specimens were delivered in a wide variety of containers – whatever the patient had handy at home – the definition worked perfectly.  I got mayonnaise jars, sardine tins and a plastic bag.

Simple, concise, unexpected.  If someone ever asks me the definition of clever, I can think of no better example than the defining essence of diarrhea.

I also appreciated that the concept need not be limited to diarrhea.  We are all limited by the shape of our containers.

5.  “The minor irregularities of this garment are part of its hand-made charm.”

— Tag on sweater, hand knit in Peru

I envision the owner of an artisan shop sorting though the shipment of sweaters from Peru.  As she holds up a sweater, she notices a few dangling bits of yarn, one sleeve suspiciously longer than the other and a lopsided neck.  Time to manage expectations.  She is grateful that the wool is stretchy so that the askew sleeves and neck can be yanked into symmetry. Let’s turn a negative into a positive, she thinks.  Asymmetry is not a flaw, it is an irregularity and a minor one at that.  Even better an irregularity is a sign of authenticity, tying the customer directly to the knitter.  The marketing director wants the customer to see that Incan woman sitting on her sunny stoop of high in the Andes, the sweater on her lap, children and chickens clucking around her.  She solidifies the image by giving the knitter a name, puts a picture on the tag and in a final flourish, packages the whole concept as charming.

It worked for me. I loved the lumpy irregularities of my sweater, but I also appreciated the broader context of what started as off-hand marketing gimmick.  We are all a mish-mash of hand-made irregularities.  On good days, I hope mine add up to charm.

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Pandemic Ponderings: The Anatomy of a Joke

The corona pandemic has birthed an outpouring of creative humor, from elaborate song parodies to simple one liners.

I have transmitted the following with great success, from appreciative smiles to outright guffaws.

“Did you hear, they have found a way to turn cauliflower into toilet paper.”

What is it about this one line that finds such an appreciative audience?  What are the factors that so perfectly capture our current predicament?  Here is my dissection of the required steps underlying this humor.

1.  Knowledge of current hoarding of toilet paper

By now everyone is aware that toilet paper was the first item to disappear off the grocery shelves.  How did this start, go viral as it were?  Grocery stores across the country are now pock-marked with empty shelves.  This the land of plenty, isn’t it? Americans shouldn’t have to scrap for something as prosaic as TP.

Panic buying is a universal human emotion, and if I didn’t have the good fortune of a pre-isolation Costo run, I would have stocked up the moment I saw others doing the same.  But why toilet paper?  My theory is that toilet paper is the very definition of a human being.  Without toilet paper we’d be just another animal.  Skulking at the edges of my subconscious is the possibility that we could be facing the end of days.  If the world collapses around us, I want to face it clutching at least one roll of toilet paper.

The trickle-down effects of the empty shelves are interesting to consider.  Proctor and Gamble was among the first to proclaim their patriotic duty by ramping up production.  For years advertisers have tried to convince consumers that toilet paper is not a commodity, that theirs is gentler, softer, basically has more horsepower then the competitor’s thin, flimsy rolls.  They can now pull these ads, knowing that Americans will likely buy sandpaper as long as it’s labeled toilet paper.

Requirement One:

Understand that hoarding toilet paper is an irrational, but contagious, response to the corona virus, and humor is one way to keep calm and carry on.

2.  Childhood memories of cauliflower

Growing up in the 1960s, cauliflower was a demonized vegetable, pale and sickly looking, with a noxious odor as it was steamed to death.  It didn’t help that “cauliflower ear” described a boxer’s brutal deformity.  Cauliflower was a token vegetable on the dinner plate, something to push around, cut into pieces to make it look like you took an equally token bite.  It was the rare vegetable that could not be salvaged with pads of butter.  Even the dog wouldn’t eat it.  Broccoli yes, you could gag that down in a pinch, but its anemic cousin, no way.

Requirement Two:

You used to hate cauliflower

3.  Understanding cauliflower’s resurgence

In the past decade, cauliflower has been transformed into the darling of vegetables, escaping from the shadow of broccoli, and also escaping from the steamer.  You can broil it or bake it.  It is even robust enough to barbecue.  There are recipes for cauliflower popcorn, cauliflower rice, and cauliflower pizza crust.  If the sickly white color was the turn-off, it now comes in attractive shades of purple and orange.

The architecture of Romanesco cauliflower takes its appeal to a higher level.   The multiple spirals represent a golden ratio, otherwise known as a Fibonacci number, and thus share the same aesthetically pleasing arrangement as the columns in the Greek Parthenon.

Requirement Three:

Cauliflower is more than a mere vegetable; it is the champion of repurposing.  It can do anything.

4.  Give yourself permission to enjoy potty humor

Well-crafted potty humor enjoys a universal appeal, across centuries, countries and cultures.  Shakespeare was a noted potty-humor enthusiast, ranging from clever to raunchy, but potty humor shows up in some of the earliest recorded writing.   Aristophanes, a Greek playwright writing in the 5th century BC, filled his plays with irreverent fart jokes, frequently at the expense of his nemesis Socrates.  An Arabian Nights tale tells the story of Abu Hasan who flees to India in embarrassment after tooting on his wedding night.  He lives for years in atonement and becomes a man of utmost sobriety and respect.  Finally, he returns home but is still nervous at his reception.  At an oasis on the outskirts of town, he overhears a young boy and his mother still laughing about his fart that occurred decades earlier.  He flees the country never to return.

However, be advised that without this deft touch, potty humor can quickly devolve into cheap and gratuitous scatology.  Timing and audience are also factors.  The line between great and wretched is narrow and ever shifting, so delivering good potty humor requires nerves of steel.

Requirement Four:

This is the easiest of all.  Everyone one likes potty humor and this one is well-done, well-timed and extensively field-tested.

These four factors have come together in this pandemic season to produce a joke that is perfectly specific to our communal experience.  My hope is that next year the idea of cauliflower as toilet paper will make no sense.  Tell the joke and you’ll get a confused and hostile stare. The timing will be all wrong, the premise even worse.  What sick bastard would think that glorious, nutritious and versatile cauliflower could be mentioned in the same breath as toilet paper?

 

 

 

 

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Podcast: Pandemic Ponderings

Pandemic humor.  What makes it funny?

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When Truth is Not Enough: From Non-Fiction to Fiction

The decision seemed trivial.  Nick and I were cleaning out my parent’s farmhouse after they died.  Only my mother’s piano was left, a big clumsy thing with pock-marked and tuneless keys.  Phil, the caretaker, couldn’t find anyone to take it.  We quietly stared at it together until Phil finally said, “let’s burn it up.” Continue reading

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Open Letter to Publishers of The New Yorker

Dear Publishers,

I am writing to request a special type of subscription.  I’m willing to pay full price but please only send me every other issue.  The time commitment of a weekly New Yorker would be beyond my grasp and I don’t want to throw half of them out.  People Magazine, I can handle its weekly arrival.  I read it while my bread is toasting, then toss it, eager to dispose of the symbol of the pap my mind has grown accustomed to.

I know that your weekly magazines would begin to stack up on my bedside table, on the kitchen counter and in the TV room.  However, I would like to showcase one on the kitchen counter, a testament to the intellectual life that I abandoned when I stopped commuting to Chicago.  A single New Yorker might impress, but a stack would suggest a pretentious poser.

When I lived in Chicago thirty years ago, I didn’t feel the need to advertise any intellectual credentials.  A city address was enough.  This identity took a hit when I moved to the suburbs and became a commuter.  Every day for two hours I was enclosed in the humid, fetid confines of the subway car as it shuddered its way downtown.  The New Yorker was the perfect solution.  Immersed in its intellectual world, I could be willfully ignorant of the enormous man sitting thigh to thigh next to me.  His cavernous, freely flowing pores, visible nose hairs and yellowed armpits registered only a minor blip on my consciousness.  As the commuters thinned out, it never occurred to me to move.  Why would I, with the quirky entries in the Talk of the Town column to engross me?   I did not object to his bare thigh pressing more deliberately against mine as I absorbed the clever wit in the Shouts and Murmurs column.  When I stood up at my stop, I realized that the few others in the car were watching the two of us suspiciously.

The unexpected and appreciated benefit of my New York knowledge was the edge it gave me in the competitive world of cocktail banter with East coast friends.  I could discuss art openings, essays by John McPhee or comment on the cover artistry.  The veneer of my New York knowledge was an effective counterpunch to the East coast stereotype that I was a Midwestern hick.

Your magazine also equipped me with the eclectic vocabulary I needed to complete the New York Times crossword puzzle.  I learned crossword staples such as Erte (art deco designer) or Eero (Saarinen, architect of the TWA terminal at JFK) from reading your magazine.

My commuting hours evaporated when I began to “work from home.”  You might ask why I haven’t been able to carve out the necessary time to consume The New Yorker.  Shouldn’t I have more flexibility given the assumed efficiency of a home office?  However, I swapped out the forced idleness for discretionary idleness, and the two are very different.  Without discipline, my discretionary idleness quickly devolves to puttering.  Freed from the confines of a subway car, I can go get a cookie, maybe roll another ball of wool, check the mail, take a walk.  Puttering and contemplative reading are mutually exclusive.

The energy and time-suck of two toddlers made my discretionary idleness more precious.  If I wanted to languish in the grocery store and lean my head against the soothing, frosty doors of the freezer case, well that was my prerogative.  How many hours did I spend watching Sesame Street?  The show is praised for matching the flighty attention span of toddlers with its zippy vignettes, but I wonder about the consequences on parents who watch with their children.  I felt the steady ebb of my attention span.  The New Yorker slipped down my to-do list.  The fact that it was relegated to a “to-do” list reflected its fragile status.  The growing pile of magazines began to mock me.  Sadly I discontinued my subscription.  My husband gave me a subscription to People magazine, and I eagerly looked forward to its arrival every Friday.

My forties were not a time of personal growth, but I’m back now as a full-fledged empty nester, both front and back.  This is MY TIME and I want The New Yorker back in my life.  Well sort of.  What if I discover that too much time has passed, that I can’t handle a weekly magazine, that I can’t abandon the fine art of puttering, burnished to a high gloss over the past decade?

Oh, what the hell, bring it on.  Give me all of them.  I vow to crawl out from the quicksand grip of celebrity gossip.  I’ve canceled my People subscription.

Sincerely,

Liza Blue

 

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My Crepiness

The afternoon sun can be cruel for those who care about tidiness, its shallow-angled rays highlighting each individual dust mote, both on the ground and in the air.  However, I find peace in knowing that a perfectly clean house is impossible.

This same sun can be merciless for those who care about aging.  Driving east with the sun streaming in from behind, I see the same effect on my face.  Fine wrinkles, previously invisible, are now highlighted in exquisite detail.  Even my earlobes have wrinkles.   As I raise my bare arm to the window, I see fine lines coursing across my upper arms.  I could be a poster child for crepey-skin.  Can I find the same equanimity as with my dust motes? Continue reading

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